Friday, March 9, 2018

Fashion Nova Dress + Denim Shirt
Why It's Okay To Not Always Love Your Body

Something I talk about vaguely every once in awhile is the topic of body confidence. How to stop comparing yourself and ‘love the skin you’re in’! and that’s all well & good, but I’ve realized I don’t necessarily write on my own experiences much. My mental health journey has been a doosey, and most of the time I feel... ick bringing it up. If you understand, you understand. I’m not shy about the whole anxiety thing, as that’s something I’m going to deal with for the rest of my life, in one bracket or another. But the other things from my past just make me sad when I bring them up, because it reminds me of the crap place I was once in.

However, I got to thinking about it, and though I’d love for them to be, body image issues aren’t 100% in the past for me. Maybe they’re never really 100% there for anybody, especially eating disorder survivors. (have I come right out & said I’ve had an eating disorder before? WELL THERE IT IS, SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLOG POST.)

Cami Dress + Denim Shirt Tied At Waist
Why It's Okay To Not Always Love Yourself

It started senior year of high school-ish & seeped its way into college. Apart from atrocious self esteem, (we're talkin Ross Geller monotone hi PLUS his margarita-infused I'm fine speech level) it was a way to keep control in an uncontrollable new world. (how ironic is that since when you make plans God laughs, am I right) I lost 30+ pounds, and on a frame of 4’10”, (& a half, thanks) it showed dramatically. People noticed. At first, I lived for the attention. It was egging me on, an encourager. Then, as time went on, the guilt set in. Every time someone complimented me the thought ‘if you only knew how I lost the weight’ entered my mind.

Cue to a few years, therapy, lots of praying & relapsing & relapsing again later, I can happily say I'm in a place where I can (most times) eat all the fries & domino's my little heart desires without giving two licks. But, like I said, a disorder like that is never really in the past. It's always there beyond the surface, just waiting for its moment to jumpscare you like a James Wan film, and in my experience, the same goes for self esteem in general.

Sometimes you just feel really crap about yourself.

Pair A Cami Dress With A Shirt Tied At The Waist

And sometimes, it's okay. (you're probably thinking, but Kae you thrive on self love!! positivity!! lol wyd) & it's true, I do preach that as I believe in it wholeheartedly. But none of that changes the fact that some days you just hate the way every outfit you try on looks and that weird spot on your chin and how you gained four pounds. It's exhausting to be 'on' all the time, & sometimes you just need to wallow in a bit of self-pity. No harm in that.

And then, after the wallowing is done and you've watched more Kardashians than you've willed yourself to admit, put on your favorite outfit, the one that makes you feel like you're in a dramatic early 2000s music video, and remember that confidence is a process, and to pretend that spot on your chin no longer exists when you look in the mirror, and that those extra pounds are more protection & warmth.

It's all about balance, kids.

Over & out.

dress | fashion nova (almost sold out! but I've found similar from f21)
denim shirt | francesca's (similar here)
newsboy | target
purse | f21
earrings | f21 (similar here)
necklace | francesca's (similar here
shoes | STEVIES (similar here

Fashion Nova Dress


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