Monday, May 8, 2017

It's been awhile since I've had a chat about my anxiety, & it's mental health awareness month so I thought I'd give it another go:

Over the past year or so with the help of a therapist, I've been able to really pinpoint my triggers (the ones I didn't already know) & figure out what coping methods work & don't work for me. I can honestly say I'm in a really good place right now, with super lovely friends I could go on & on about. I'm being more mindful, focusing on the little things that are in reality the big things. I'm laughing more, belly-full & genuinely.

I'm still anxious.

I'm anxious when I'm idle, I'm anxious when I'm busy. I'm anxious when I'm in the middle of an eight hour retail shift & when I'm in the middle of a three hour netflix binge. Anxiety is a huge part of my life, but it's not the only part. It's not the important part of who I am & it's always a work in progress, figuring out what works & sometimes taking one step forward & three panic attacks steps back. 

For a bit I was hard on myself when I regressed, which only ended up making things worse. It was an endless cycle of negative self-talk & feeling like I had somehow failed, which just started the cycle over again. I wasn't naive to believe that once I learned coping methods everything would be roses and sunshine, but sometimes it's like WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??

I'm learning to cut myself a break, whether it be figuratively or literally or both. A mental illness like anxiety never quite leaves completely, there are just good periods & bad periods & it's how you deal with them that matters, like most things in life. I like to live my life with good coffee & even better friends, loud music & even louder laughter, and that is something I'll take with the bad any day. 

I now allow myself to wallow on the 'bad anxiety days.' Sometimes I accomplish nothing but watching episodes of gilmore girls I've seen fifty times, (NEVER GETS OLD, OK) & that's okay because I know there'll be 'good anxiety days'; the days I forget all the horror in the world, all my worries & just be

That exists. So don't be so hard on yourself, ok?

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